Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Medicating with Men

We all feel an impulse to medicate from time to time. The desire to escape is part of the human experience. We use different methods to escape. We use them to different degrees. But we all use them. So let’s just start by being real about that. Men, for many of us, are at the top of the escape-of-choice list. The pattern looks something like this:

It starts with a high. A trip with a man can feel like the most exhilarating ride that you have ever been on--your heart races, your stomach has butterflies, you're giddy and smiley and all-around buzzed. The texts, the Facebook stalking, the dialing (drunk or not). Impulses to reach for the substance (aka him) and get that high. And damn does it feel good when you do! A crush. A guy who is paying extra-special attention to you. A man who has his eyes on YOU. Yes, these experiences can feel so good--definitely a high of the best kind.

Then comes the compulsion.
The high is so good, in fact, that you start to feel yourself wanting it more and more. An obsession of-sorts sets in. Grasping. Longing. Needing (cringe). You get that itch and you need your fix! You can't help yourself. You're antsy, clingy, and (gulp) desperate! You need him to make you feel a certain way! It's a dependency that you don't want, but somehow you have!

And of course, inevitably, comes the fall. As we all know, a man-hangover is of the very worst kind. You know the ones I'm talking about. The ones felt when he doesn't return your call. When he leaves and finds another woman. When the buzz has died-down and all your left with is confusion about what went wrong. Sometimes these falls are heart-wrenching--sobs and excruciating pain. And sometimes it's a dull sense of emptiness that remains--the high has long worn-off and you wonder to yourself, "Is this it? Really?" Both positions are equally painful after such a blissful beginning. And in both cases, you are left feeling like you desperately need and want more.

So what is this ride and how can you get off?  I'm going to break it down for you.

This is the ride of your ego.  If you aren't already acquainted with your ego, let me introduce you. Your ego is the voice inside of you that tells you that you aren't good enough, that you don't have enough, and that things are not what they should be. The ego is the voice of lack, of doubt, of emptiness, and of fear. When you operate from your ego you are living with these fears all the time--the felt sense that you are incomplete and lacking. For most of us, the only way we know how to make these feelings/fears go away is to reach for something outside of us to feel better. We reach for food. We reach for substances. And we most definitely reach for the best high of all, men.

When we live in our egos (and most of us do, nothing to feel ashamed about, it just is), we rely on things outside of us to feel good on the inside! So if medicating with men is one of your drugs-of-choice, then what is happening is you are actually using him to FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF. He becomes the key to your happiness. When he's there, the completion sets in--you feel great. And when he's gone (and there will always be times when he is gone, whether he actually leaves or not) the withdrawal kicks in--it feels awful. A roller coaster indeed.

So what do we do? Are we doomed to this cycle of highs and lows, in and out of relationship? Or is there another way?

Of course there's another way! The other way includes NOT relying on an OUTSIDE source to feel good on the INSIDE. You have to start a practice of cultivating your own happiness from within. You are your own key! You are! Not him. And not anyone or anything else either! Girl, I hope you are jumping for joy right now! Why? Because this means that you are in the driver's seat! Your joy is in YOUR hands and no one else's. You have complete control (and I know how stoked you are to be in control)!

I know that you have heard this before, and I know that you really don't believe it. But I think that might be because you haven't given it a fair chance to be true. Here's the deal: there is a place inside of you, inside of me, inside all of us that knows we are 100% complete as we are. I call this place Soul. We spend such a small amount of time living in our Souls that we forget they actually exist. But your Soul does exist, in a BIG way. And all it needs is a little attention from you. Check in and see if you can find your Soul right now. It is the place in you that knows you are meant for greatness. It is the place in you that feels deeply connected to yourself, to others, and to the world. It is the place in you that wants to DO SOMETHING!--wants to make a difference, a real difference. It is the place in you that is dying to live a fuller life. Yes, that is your Soul calling out to you. It wants you to pay attention.

If you start listening to what your Soul is saying, and start dis-engaging from the ego's messages of lack (which, by the way, just by listening to the Soul you start to dis-engage the ego), your grip on outside sources for happiness will loosen. You can still use them if you want--please, indulge away! But the dependency will lift. Practicing living Soul Fully does not mean giving up feeling giddy or joyful or excited or in LOVE with him or anything else. You still get those highs, in fact, you're going to get more of them! What it does mean, though, is you will not feel dependent on him for happiness anymore. When he leaves you (literally or figuratively) you, if you are connected to your Soul, will remain in-tact. You aren't going to completely fall apart. You aren't going to loose you s#*t! If you practice living guided by your Soul, you are always going to know, on the deepest level, that you are more than ok. And the rest is just gravy.

Saturday, June 23, 2012

Sexy is Embodied Soul

Sexiness is abundant. Confident. Comfortable in your own skin. Glowing. Beautiful. Full.

A fully-embodied woman—a woman who knows who she is, is complete and connected, smiles often, laughs, is kind, glides. There are few things in the world that are sexier than this. A man who is confident, embodied, knows who he is, powerful, purposeful, graceful—yep, that’s the good stuff.

When you are SOUL FULL and abundant, you have a presence. People notice you and sense your energy. They want to be around you. They are attracted to you. SOUL is genuinely the most attractive quality there it. You become a magnet.

There is another interesting thing that occurs when you are SOUL FULL sexy. It isn’t that important to you that others are attracted to you. I mean, it is in the sense that you enjoy being with them, and their love feeds your love and vice versa. But what I’m talking about is you are not dependent on people being attracted to you. You are already complete. You are not looking for acceptance from the outside—from other people or society—to fill you up. You are already full.

Ego-sexy has a very different quality. In ego-appeal, you are trying to fit a mold of what you believe others want. Already, this is implying that you, as yourself, as the beautiful, sexy, amazing, full person that you are, are not enough.

We witness this all over the place in our society. So much money is spent trying to change, alter, and “improve” your appearance—hoping to acquire that look that will elevate you to the highest level of sexiness, appeal, and completion. It’s the ego’s game of telling you that you are not enough, not complete, and that you need a little work. “Soon you’ll get there. Once you buy those shoes or lose that weight or get that look…” The self-defeating commentary goes on and on. It never stops. There is no destination with this story. It is an endless sense of incompleteness that is striving for a sense of completion, worthiness, attractiveness, and sexiness.

Stop the ego craziness and start the Soul sexiness!

Start looking for your true sex-appeal from within. When you begin embracing your beauty from the inside-out (I know it always sounds so cliché, but this is the real deal!) you begin to shine. Feel the fullness of your heart. Feel how pure and magnificent it is. It is a representation of you. You—your body, your looks, your essence—is that beautiful. There is nothing more beautiful and sexy than the love you feel and give generously to others.

If you chase sexiness from the outside you are always going to fail. This is the ego’s trick. If you are seeking the answer to happiness outside of you, you are set up for a major disappointment. This includes chasing a perfect body. You are never going to acquire the body you want by molding it from the outside. Sure, you can reach a beautifully sculpted form with lots of will-power—going to the gym daily and regulating your diet. And it may even been a loving attempt to get into shape. However, if you think that you are going to feel complete once you’ve “completed” your outer form, you are misinformed. Because we never get complete from the outside-in. You are chasing an illusion.

Practice loving yourself just as you are. Send your body and your face and your style some good, good, delicious, yummy, hot vibes. Meditate on how beautiful your heart is and imagine that beauty encompassing all of you. Start believing you are beautiful. You must. Because it is TRUE! If you don’t, you will never, ever feel like you are. There is no one on the planet that looks exactly like you. No one that has quite your essence. It would be a shame for you to be missed. For the real you to be covered up in all that stuff that you think others want of you.

We want YOU. The real, sexy you. Let your real appeal out of the bag--show the world who you really are and watch magic happen.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Your Man is Your Mirror

Ohhh, the unavailable man. We have heard horror story after horror story. We look around and ask ourselves, “Honestly, do available men even exist?" The concept can seem like a myth, only found in fairy tales. Luckily, I believe in happily ever after. 

When I say “unavailable” I mean in any sense of the word—emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually. A man who doesn’t show up for you in the way you want. A man who doesn’t give enough. A man who isn’t open with his true thoughts and feelings. A man who won’t commit. All of the above qualities qualify as unavailable in my book. This could be men you chronically date or a man you are married to—whatever it is, if you find yourself craving more in your relationship then you are reading the right blog.

We have all had our fill with these unavailable types. The guy shows up, sometimes dressed as Prince Charming. He makes you laugh and feel good; he’s a little hard to resist. You scan him and do your best to analyze the situation. The coast seems clear so you move in a little closer and then out of nowhere BAM! Unavailable! You didn’t see that one coming! So, you dump him or more likely, he dumps you. You eventually pull yourself back together, determined to move on to try something new, swearing that you’ll never, ever date an unavailable man again. What happens?  The next one comes around and ends up being one of them too! What the hell is going on here? It is a reoccurring nightmare.

If this sounds like your story, then I am going to challenge you to take a look at what is going on within yourself to keep this pattern alive and well in your life. Deep relational patterns, like this one, often stay hidden within your unconscious where you can’t find them. And there they stay in the dark corners of your psyche until you dig a little to excavate the truth. I am here to shed a little light on the situation.

Here is the truth about this pattern:

Your man is your mirror.

What does this mean? This means that what we see in other people is actually a reflection of what is in ourselves. All the love you see in him, you know, because it is love you feel within yourself. And all the hate, annoyance, and fear you find in him, you know, because it is also in you. Do you know where this is headed? Ladies, I’m saying is your man is your mirror. If your pattern is getting involved with men who are unavailable then that means, you got it, that you are unavailable too.

I can hear the cries of disagreement now. “What do you mean I’ve been unavailable?! I’ve been nothing but giving, and attentive, and present…..” Hold on, hold on. I know. Give me a second. Let’s take a really close look at this concept. I challenge you to get down and dirty with your truth.

I’m going to ask you some questions and I want you to answer them honestly. Have you been showing up in your relationships as the full, authentic, confident, complete woman that you are? Are you being the real you? Is it really you who enters these relationships, or is a modified, altered version of you?

I’m going to wage that somehow, someway an altered version of you, rather than the true you, shows up. You may be leaving parts of yourself out. Or you are modifying yourself in a way that isn’t real. Or you are biting your tongue. Whatever the case may be, all of you is not showing up. This, I’m sorry to say, is being unavailable for love.

If you don’t show up in your relationship fully—as the woman you really are—than no man is going to show up fully for you. This is a fact. Let it sink in. Abandon yourself, get abandoned. The equation is simple, and brutal, and… reversible. There’s hope.

It’s time to get real about your unavailability. Start scanning your heart for the ways you have made yourself unavailable in your current or past relationships. You need to figure it out or it’s going to keep showing up on your doorstep. It’s time to take some seriously-empowered responsibility for your part. You can do it, girl.

Start with these questions:

- How have you abandoned yourself in relationships?

- How have you not been fully authentic in relationships?

- Have you deflected attention from yourself back to your man, making yourself unavailable?

- Have you been overly-giving, making yourself unavailable to receive?

- Have you not expressed your thoughts and opinions, hiding your true self from your man?

How are your answers sitting with you? This can be a tough pill to swallow. But the more you can dive into your own deep self-reflection and face what you see with courage and honesty, the more likely you are to break this very painful spell. Remember, we are all unavailable at times. We are human beings. Humans make mistakes. Humans default to their egos. This is completely normal. You do not have to be perfect to find a relationship or to enjoy the one you are currently in. But the more you get real with how you are co-creating your reality, the better reality you are going to have.