Our nature is to want to escape anything that feels like it's limiting to us. Obligations, expectations, "shoulds."
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Our nature is to want to escape anything that feels like it's limiting to us. Obligations, expectations, "shoulds."
We all get caught in the victim-trap from time to time. Feeling like we've been wronged; like we were right and they were, well, I'm sure we can complete the sentence with lots of words. It's true, being a victim is not an uncommon stance to take in this world.
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
The New Year. A fresh start. A new beginning.
As we move into a new phase of life it is natural and important to reflect upon what has been. A lot can happen in the span of a year. I'm sure for most of us 2012 was filled with many wonderful experiences, and challenging ones as well.
What was challenging for me this passed year?
What was wonderful this passed year?
How did I make it through the hard times?
What were my best times?
How did I grow?
What would I do differently next time?
How can I choose again?
Who do I need to forgive?
I have heard that the only time we really have is NOW.
What am I grateful for, right now?
What does it feel like to be in my body, right now?
What is important to me, right now?
What am I happy about, right now?
What do I see, feel, smell, hear and taste?
Consciously and unconsciously we are always moving towards self-actualization. What this means is that deep within us we are called to become whole. We long to grow. Our Souls long to grow. It's just what we do; it's called evolution.
What kind of person do I want to be?
How do I want to show up in the world?
What do I want for myself this year?
What do I want to feel like?
What do I look forward to?
What are my dreams?
What do I want to accomplish?
What greatness will I share with the world this year?
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Are you seeking a relationship that will make you feel complete? Have you been searching for love but all of your experiences seem to fall short? Do you get excited, thinking you found "the one," only to feel dissatisfied again shortly after the high wears off? If so, you are reading the right article.
This is a very common experience. It's easy to feel jaded about love if you've had enough experiences that haven't turned out the way you want. Luckily, there is a reason this keeps happening. Believe it or not, you are looking for love in all the wrong places.
The relationship you are really looking for is one with YOURSELF.
I know. You may not believe me at first. You may think that you already have the best possible relationship you can have with yourself. But let me tell you, if you are constantly up against feelings such as "something is missing," or "this isn't good enough," or "I'm not satisfied," then it means that it's time to really start tending to the most important relationship in your life--the one you have with you.
When we don't feel satisfied within, we project the feeling of inadequacy onto our partners and other aspects of our life. The real truth is, if it feels like something is missing in your life, it's probably you (thank you Robert Holden for this life-changing lesson).
Here is what is going on in this oh-so common pattern: When you seek completion (meaning you are looking to feel good about yourself--to feel at peace, in love, and whole) outside of yourself, it implies that you feel incomplete to begin with. Unfortunately this feeling of incompletion (that lives in you) is going to follow you into whatever situation you make your way into. Sure, when you fall in love you are going to get a glimpse of completion and love that is so divine. But, if what drove you into the relationship in the first place was to overcome a sense of feeling incomplete, you will find that soon enough you will begin to feel incomplete within the relationship too.
Other people don't complete us. Only You complete You.
I know many of us have heard this before and that, in theory, we believe that it is true. But the trouble is we don't do anything about this truth! We keep repeating the same pattern over and over again--looking for love, for completion, for a sense of inner peace by acquiring things (especially people) outside of us. Unfortunately nothing on the outside can ultimately change the way you feel on the inside.
This isn't to say that relationships don't serve a purpose. That is not true. They serve the ultimate purpose--for us to feel love. But there are very different qualities in the type of love you feel if you are trying to complete yourself with someone else versus the type of love you feel when you are showing up to join, share, and co-create with another. In the first relationship you are going feel preoccupied with everything that is missing--with all that you are not getting from the other person. In the second, you are going to feel much more freedom to just relax and freely give your love away.
You can feel deeply satisfied in relationships with other people. In fact, you are supposed to. But (and this is a big BUT) YOU have to get right with YOU first.
I came across this quote the other day by Suzanne Falter-Barnes, and she sums it up perfectly. Here is what she said:
"There is no relationship pure enough, pristine enough, sublime enough, romantic enough, beautiful enough, fulfilling enough, spiritually attuned enough to overcome the despair you will feel when you are not connected to who you are--when you are not connected to your own heart and soul."
For your life to feel full, YOU must feel full. For your relationships to feel satisfying, YOU must feel satisfied. Soul, depth, heart, and love all come from within. And when you tap into these parts of yourself, you start to feel them all around you. When you feel disconnected from you, you feel disconnected from everyone around you too. This is just how it works.
So what can you do? Stop looking for the answer outside of yourself--it's not there.
You can't control other people. You can't expect someone to behave in a way that feels good to you all the time. You can't get another person's attention 100% of the time. You can't get a stream of pure positive love from another person all the time. You can't.
But, you can give yourself those things. You can connect into your own heart. You can live out your desires. You can be true to who you really are, and feel fullness from within. You can live your life with depth, purpose, meaning and soul. All these things you can do. And you must, if you really want to live a life filled with joy and love.
You are who you are looking for. It's You. Just you.
If your life doesn't feel satisfying enough--if your relationships are falling short--stop looking for the answer on the outside and go within. Connect into yourself. Find yourself. Be true to yourself. And when you do, you will find that the love you have been looking for has been with you all along.
Friday, November 30, 2012
Have you ever wondered why you get a little goofy around that person you're crushing on? Why is it that you act normal and keep your cool everywhere except around people you really like? In this article I'm going to talk about why your head gets so activated when you fall in love, and how to try to keep your cool the best you can.
First thing to remember about the ego is that it is always going to tell you that what you want is outside of you. And this, although it seems believable, is a lie.
Actually, what you want--that feeling of love that you want--is occurring within you. And the best way to make it last is to allow yourself to FEEL it.
All you really have to do is recognize the ego's crazy voice inside your head and politely say, "No, thank you." Make an effort to drop back into your heart. Take some deep breaths. Allow yourself to feel into the love, rather than analyzing it. Your mind can really do a number on love; seriously, just put it in the back seat for awhile and enjoy your heart's ride.
Many of us have pondered the concept of Soul Mates before. What is a Soul Mate? Do I have one? And if so, where is mine? The idea that there is one special person created just for you is too juicy not to consider.
I definitely believe in Soul Mates, but my definition extends beyond the traditional idea of The One. What I personally believe is that a Soul Mate is a person that you are unexplainably drawn to be in relationship with; I believe they are brought into your life so that you can grow and expand into the best version of yourself.
Let's think about attraction for a second. We come into contact with many, many people throughout our lives. And we are attracted to some of them. But there are only a few that we are so attracted to that we make a decision to partner-up with them. Why is it that we are pulled to get into relationships with just a few people?
It is because our unconscious is leading the way when it comes to attraction. Love is not logical; it is of the Soul. And the Soul knows a thing or two; it's pretty damn smart. It will match you up with the very people you are supposed to be with--and it does this through attraction. When you feel a strong urge to enter a relationship with another person, rest assured, you have found a Soul Mate.
Now, of course this does not mean that this relationship will last forever. Nor does it mean it's going to be a walk in the park. In fact, you can assume that you are going to come up against some challenges with your Soul Mate. Where there is potential for the greatest love there is also the potential for the greatest pain. Soul Mate relationships include both.
I know, I know, you don't want this to be true. None of us do. We all want the love without the pain. We want bliss without breakdown. But, it isn't possible.
Because both love and pain exist WITHIN US. What is within us is going to show up in front of us, especially in our relationships. This means that the unresolved issues that are residing within you are going to come to the surface; this happens in our most inmate relationships. Many of us are quick to right off our relationships when the going gets tough, but I'm here to assure you that challenges aren't necessarily a bad thing. In fact, it's supposed to happen this way. Because what does not come to the surface cannot be healed. We have to look our demons in the eye if we want them to go away.
People spend a lot of time questioning whether or not they are with the right partner. And usually this question arises when we feel pain or discomfort. But what if we shifted our perception a bit--what if we understood and accepted that discomfort is part of the deal? And this doesn't mean that we act carelessly with our partners to evoke more pain. Nor does it mean that we stick around in relationships that are abusive or too awful to tolerate.
But what I am proposing is this: What if we recognized that discomfort comes from within us (no, it's not their fault) and that it is telling us that we need to change? What if we actually took responsibility for our uncomfortable feelings and approached them as a call to become conscious--to learn where we struggle the most and try to grow beyond these setbacks?
Jung said, "Seldom or never does a marriage develop into an individual relationship smoothly without crisis. There is no birth of consciousness without pain." Pain is the opportunity; it literally is the call to wake-up and change.
To personally evolve means to grow through the things that challenge us the most. Our Souls long to do this--we inherently want to become greater people. Deep within us we are driven to make our way through struggles and emerge victorious. Our Soul Mates are the people that give us the opportunity to do so by triggering our issues so we can become conscious of them and create a different reality.
And how do we move beyond the issues that get triggered in relationships? By choosing love instead.
You can say that all feelings are categorized as either love or fear. To state the obvious, love feels good; fear does not. To grow simply means we transform experiences of fear into experiences of love. There are many simple and difficult opportunities to do this within a relationship.
Choosing love means we see people (including ourselves) beyond their mistakes. It means we see the potential in our partners, even when they cannot see it within themselves. It means we are kind, compassionate, understanding, and forgiving, even when it's hard to do. It means focusing on the good in somebody else, rather than the bad. It means consciously committing to work through our stuff; to clean up our side of the street.
Your Soul Mate is someone to grow with. This doesn't come easy. They are going to challenge you in many ways, and that's ok. Don't write-off your relationship because it's difficult at times--understand that the difficultly is an opportunity for you grow.
The next time you start to question whether or not you have a Soul Mate, take a look at the person or people you are closest too. They are your Soul Mates. Quoting Jung once again, know that "in all disorder [there is] a secret order." The people who are in your life are here to help you become a better person, to expand and grow in love.
All you have to do is accept the challenge.
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
There is something you can do to guarantee getting what you want in your relationships. And it's probably not what you think. In fact, its probably the opposite of what you think. No, it's not by getting him to commit or by getting a guarantee from her. You've tried all those things--they don't work. Trying to GET someone to GIVE something to you is always a dead-end street. But there is something else you can do--it's something that you probably haven't thought of. This something is called GIVING.
Yes, turns out the old saying is true, "You get what you give." Problem is, most of us think we are giving; in fact, we think we are giving and giving and giving--too much! If you give and give and give (more than you feel comfortable with) then, I hate to break it to you, but you aren't really giving. Over-giving is a sure sign of GIVING TO GET. And the truth is, it's not going to GET you anything (except resentful). No this isn't giving at all--it's called sacrifice.
When you are not in contact with your own fullness then you will try to get from your partner the exact thing that you are not 1) giving to yourself or 2) giving to them. It is very hard to give--to genuinely give, without the motive of getting in return--if you are running on less-than-full yourself. This less-than-full is actually is the feeling that causes you to try and GET from someone else in the first place. You think they are the key. You think they have what you're seeking. So, ironically, what you usually do to try to GET from them is you… sacrifice yourself more? Can you see the irony in that?! Stop over-giving! It doesn't work!
You see, the only way to GET what you want is to stop trying to GET it--you have to start GIVING it, like, for free. And how are you supposed to so that? You give it to yourself first, of course.
Anything that you feel like you need from your partner--anything you feel like you are not getting from him or her--is a sure sign of something that you are not giving to yourself. You don't feel like you have it, which is what makes you seek it from them in the first place! I'll show you.
Let's say you are you seeking security from him. You want him to commit, you want a guarantee! Then sweetie, if it's security you are looking for, it's time to boost up your inner-security chops! Lack in the department of inner-security is what leads you to try and GET security from him in the first place! And, unfortunately, there is nothing he can actually do to make you feel--once and for all--secure. Only you can do that for yourself. The good news is, you can. Easy. Start contacting your own fullness. Start contacting your own solidity and abundance and strength. And once you do--Voilà!--your relationship begins to feel more secure. Let's do another one…
Let's say you are looking to get more freedom in your relationship. Well, if it's freedom you are seeking then this means you are not giving enough freedom to yourself--you have start there. Many people don't feel free in a relationship because they do things like censoring themselves, hiding the truth, not saying what they really feel--all of these modes of "hiding" are going to make you feel trapped. Often what happens when you're stuck in a mode of censoring yourself for so long is you start to project that freedom is "out there." Reality check: there is no freedom anywhere unless you give it to yourself. This means you have to start being REAL. Give yourself the freedom to say what you are thinking, be who you really are, and then, then, you will feel free.
You see, we project exactly what is not happening within us onto our partners--and then try to make them give it to us! Here is the truth that I want you to remember: YOU PARTNER CANNOT GIVE TO YOU WHAT YOU DO NOT GIVE TO YOURSELF. Period. So whatever you are looking for--whatever you are desperately trying to get from them--you must, must, must learn to give it first. TO YOURSELF! Continue to come back to your own fullness, your own completeness--continue to remember that you have everything you need, that you don't need to GET anything from anyone else. Everything you think you need from your partner you can actually give to yourself. You take care of you. And it is in this knowing--when you stop demanding to GET from him or her and when you start showing up to GIVE--that you really start to receive everything you want.